Responsible Parenting
Interesting Thoughts to Ponder Before Your Journey Begins
In this section, Children In Film will discuss issues related directly to your child's emotional and spiritual well being. As you step into the world of show business you'll find that there are many obvious things a parent needs to do to prepare: head-shots, resumes, a talent agent, etc. But all that stuff is a given. What often goes undiscussed are the tools you will need to prepare your child for fame - emotionally. How will you teach your child to deal with fear, anxiety, stress and depression?
As you climb the ladder of success together, both you and your child have an incredible opportunity to demonstrate strength of character and good citizenship, providing a positive role model for other kids and parents. Children In Film is working together with child and family therapists, teachers, and spiritual leaders to bring you helpful information on this topic. The following articles are the first of many articles we intend to publish. We hope you find them interesting and we welcome your feedback on this or any other part of our website. Send your comments to: contact@childreninfilm.com.
"Dealing with Rejection"
The auditioning process isn't easy, and dealing with rejection can be tough for children. If we're faced with rejection, it is human nature to react. Sometimes we blame others or make excuses. But we can stop being the victim and learn that dealing with rejection is about loving ourselves even when others do not. We can take what would normally be negative reactions and turn them into pro-actions that will help us move forward!
While there is no secret solution, here are some thoughts we’ve put together:
- Great things can come out of this experience! Celebrate the fact that you made it this far! You had an audition and that's something to be proud of. Next, learn from your mistakes and look at them as an opportunity for self improvement. After an audition, parents can ask their children positive questions first such as “How do you feel you did?” and “What do you feel you did right?” Then they can follow it up with, “Where do you think you could have done better?” What is the lesson in the whole experience: Were you late for the audition? Did you do the appropriate amount of studying of the sides? Praise is also important, so congratulating them on a job well done – that is, the fact that they put themselves out there in the first place, will help to open positive communication so you can work together on improvement.
- Remind your child that if her audition is rejected, it may have nothing to do with her specifically. "We were not rejected. We just weren't the right choice in the eyes of the decision making team," explains Carl Sprayberry in his blog, "Diary of a Showbiz Parent." Casting directors are taking many factors into consideration when choosing a child and many of those factors aren't known up front. That's why it is important to perform well, but also to be a likeable and agreeable family (that means you, the parent, too!) So if your child doesn't get a role, be realistic about their abilities, but remind them that casting may have simply been looking for something different. Then take the opportunity to celebrate his or her own unique qualities.
- Plan for rejection before it happens. In his blog, Carl Sprayberry talks about finding confirmations. That is, what will you and your family use as a confirmation to know that you are doing well? At first, “doing well” may simply mean going on auditions and doing your best. Then, after a predetermined amount of time, “doing well” may be a ratio of auditions to bookings. If you go on 20 auditions and get one booking, is that enough confirmation to continue? Decide together as a family and you won’t feel as discouraged when things get tough.
- Keep doing what you love. Keep doing the things that give you and your child fulfillment. If acting is what fulfills your child, remind yourselves why you are a showbiz family in the first place: is it truly for the love of the craft? If so, taking acting classes and participating in school plays can help to fulfill this passion while you continue to pursue your goals.
Remember, not everyone makes it to the top right away. Michael Jordan didn't even make his high school varsity team as a sophomore, but he kept playing - for the love of the game, not the fame.
Children In Film (and our very own, Carl Sprayberry) was featured in Back Stage West on the topic of rejection.
"Healthy Gossip"
"Have you heard...?" is always a juicy opening to a conversation, especially when it's about a celebrity. The question is, do the next words you hear usually reflect well on someone, or "dish the dirt?"
According to Richard C. Michael, PhD, "The world's favorite pastime is not football, soccer, or baseball but gossip." Humans all gossip! It isn't the fact that we gossip, but how we do it that makes a difference.
"Gossip is a social skill, not a character flaw...It's only when you don't do it well that you get into trouble," states professor of psychology, Frank McAndrew, PhD, in an article published by MSNBC. In fact, the American Psychological Association is reporting that gossip is a valuable societal too used to bond and share information.
But let's face it: dishing the dirt on a fellow actor or crew member can spread like wildfire on a film set, costing your child their next job - and even career. Of course, "it's important to share information, but NOT indiscriminately" says Dr. McAndrew.
So how can we practice "Healthy Gossip?"
One way to put a good foot forward is to teach your children how to exercise good gossip, which reinforces proper set-etiquette. Remember to teach through your example and practice what you preach:
First, it's important for you to know the proper time and place even for "good gossip."
- Never say anything negative about co-workers, on the set or off.
- Don't be afraid to ask questions, but be sure they're relevant and considerate of other people's time
- Remember that idle chatter with any of the crew can be disruptive to the entire set.
- Don't indulge in celebrity gossip on set - you never know who is listening and how they're connected to your child's future job.
When the next story about the arrest of a drunken celebrity hits the air, point out to your child how damaging that is to their families, their careers and most importantly, themselves. Then share a positive example. Maybe about the way Ron Howard maintained a healthy lifestyle and professional attitude and grew a successful career as a child actor into an even more celebrated one as an award-winning director, producer and father.
The fact is, for every tale of a "child-star-gone-wrong," there are five more success stories that aren't being heard. Let's practice good gossip and spend a little more time talking about them.
Did you know that Ben Savage, brother of Fred Savage and star of "Boy Meets World," interned for a U.S. Senator before graduating from Standford University? Christina Applegate, "Married With Children," helped to raise millions of dollars for breast cancer education and research, and Melissa Gilbert, "Little House on the Prairie," became president of the Screen Actors Guild.
As a matter of fact, one of the most celebrated child actors of all time, Shirley Temple, not only topped the box office for three years straight before she was ten, but eventually became a U.S. ambassador and a representative to the United Nations.
Wow - clearing the dirt out of the air feels good!
After all, Dr. McAndrew says that "gossip is an important bonder. By sharing information we develop a sense of trust and intimacy."
"Earnership"
Dreaming of stardom may be a fantasy, but what’s the harm in dreaming, right? Becoming a successful child actor or celebrity is a lot like winning the lottery. It can happen quickly and provide more money and privilege than you ever dreamed possible. Have you given much thought to how you might handle the money and fame after it comes? Have you prepared your children for the challenges they will face? We’re not talking about getting an accountant to manage your money; however you’re going to need that too. In this section, we will discuss much deeper issues and encourage you to plant seeds, now, before you start. There are several points to consider while preparing yourself and your child for what will hopefully turn out to be many years of lasting personal fulfillment in this business. We will give you some practical, realistic advice - just in case you strike it rich.
Here’s a big surprise regarding why some child stars become troubled adults: It has nothing to do with lousy parenting!
Did you know there has been a study of lottery winners that shows that a majority of these new millionaires lost money, lost family, lost it all? Check out this MSN news article about eight lucky lottery winners who lost their millions. They experience a shot of energy, enjoy temporary fulfillment and then, bang, it’s over. The same might hold true for your young celebrity if you are not keen to the pitfalls. How will s/he feel when the phone stops ringing?
Whether you are a child or an adult, if you are unprepared for the changes that come with great wealth and fame there is going to be trouble. Paul Petersen, founder of A Minor Consideration, says “most of the time the big changes are not in you,” it’s the “People around you that will change. . . .” “In a short time you’ll be invited to parties and events that you never heard of” and receiving free gifts like clothing, jewelry, computers and more. Everyone will want to be your friend, whether they have earned your friendship or not.
When Shirley Temple Black was asked how she survived being the most famous person on earth at such a young age, Shirley answered "because of my mother. She believed if a child is working in entertainment, that a parent should always be with them to step in front of the child and say, 'she can't do that' or 'she can't accept that great gift from you.' If there isn't someone to do that, the (child actor) gets spoiled rotten."
What’s the moral here? Lasting fulfillment must be earned.
As parents, of course you want your child to enjoy childhood and successes, but you also want your child to develop into a happy, healthy, unique, independent, successful, loving and supportive individual, right? It’s a huge responsibility. Don’t let yourself be blinded by the spot light. Child actors need the same structure as any other kid. They need to learn to ‘earn’ everything: trust, respect, money, friendship and success. “Earning” is the elevator that will take your kids all the way to the top. It may seem like a simple concept, but when everyone, and we mean everyone, wants to shower your child with money, gifts, and compliments, will you have the strength to walk away from the buffet? Or, will you continue to feed your ego, convincing yourself that you ‘deserve’ special treatment?
How can we teach our kids about “earnership?” By setting examples.
Don’t accept elaborate gifts from producers. Set limits on gifts and spending; give kids an allowance in exchange for household chores. Provide structure in your family life. Keep going to church, temple, whatever. Encourage your child to continue with education beyond high school, especially if already financially set for life. Most of all, teach about “cause and effect.” DO NOT CHANGE; remain a parent first and foremost.
Think about the things you are most proud of in your life: Guaranteed, it’s the things that you worked hard for, the things you earned. The things we earn give us a true sense of self worth and fulfillment.
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